Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??