*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔