Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
i’m sure it’s fine
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.