Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
God has left this place
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic