I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Anyone want a chair?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*