My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me too 😆
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK