I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”