On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm