Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.