“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
so, is there a mister shapen head
*updates tinder bio*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life