You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.