is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Still cracks me up
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.