It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
my dad has had enough
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Every damn time
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.