I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
look at me when i’m typing to you
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens