Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12