How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”