Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
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The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.