[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
BRAKING NEWS!!
Erm…
christening a ship with an overripe banana
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
wtf is an acronym
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill