I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me as a parent
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.