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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
this is the best day of my life