I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Every photo I’m tagged in
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear