My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.