Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Lucky for them, they’re cute
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Reporter: *ports again*
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith