A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
You Might Also Like
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Growing out my freckles.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.