When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky