Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I have never related to anyone more.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”