Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.