I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me too
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories