hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
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“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Sharon, call the vet
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Breaking news:
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now