when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Get off my horse you stupid moon