“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Why I divorced her.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan