Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Feels
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
who called it hell and not heaven’t
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!