Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
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[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.