I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My glasses are broken but I鈥檝e got a glasses repair kit except I can鈥檛 find it because my glasses are broken
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
no officer these drugs aren鈥檛 mine i stole them
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.