Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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This is I, Robot all over again
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.