I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: