“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
This bar smells like my childhood.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff