I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
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Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.