“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I needed a laugh this morning.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god