Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.