What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣