I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.