Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
the answer was staring at me all along