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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.