I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Cheers Twitter.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
is this how new cars are made??
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”