Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
How to draw a duck
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.