paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now