my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
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It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
So glad we cleared that up
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”