Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
*launders Kohls cash*
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.