“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice